Monday, May 11, 2015

Motherhood

Last week, my mom had to have a full hysterectomy.  It kind of came out of nowhere and served two purposes:  preventative measures and to know for sure whether uterine cancer was present.  That morning, Cinco de Mayo to be exact, an aunt of mine drove to town to stay with Rio (since my mom is my usual childcare) so I could join my dad, my Mimi, and two uncles to wait. 
I'm not one that is usually very verbal with words of love for my family; I never really have been.  While we waited that day, I thought about all of the things I wished I had more freely spoken to my mom.  With Mother's Day just around the corner, 'mom talk' was abundant and it was hard for me to imagine a life without my mom.  So many around me though have had to continue on without their mothers and I truly wonder how they do it. 

The wait was long, we tried to stay busy, and employed silly videos on youtube to pass the time.  For my dad and I, sitting and waiting isn't a strong point.


Several hours later, we had our answers.  No cancer, a successful surgery, and a loopy mother.  We shared a hardy laugh as colorful words were thrown about in regards to sports on the TV and we breathed a deep sigh of relief seeing her come back to being herself again.


After seeing her settled and after getting her blessing, my dad and I decided dinner was in order.  We headed to one of our favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican food joints and in route, spied a rainbow seemingly sent just for us.  A cold celebratory beer and food in our bellies never felt better.  Back to the hospital to say our good night wishes.  What a day.  Now she's recovering and is doing quite well, even got back to painting some yesterday. 

Yesterday's Mother's Day reminded me how lucky I am to still have my wonderful, creative mother in my life and Rio's.  It also made me sad to think of the amazing mothers no longer in our world.  My Granny, who I miss nearly every single day, and my Mother-in-Law, who I knew for much too short of a time.  I wish so badly they knew Rio and us and our world and our accomplishments and our fears and our hopes.  I wish they were here.
And then I think to my own role as a mother.  I'm far from perfect and I reckon I'm a bit worn thin on many days but dammit if I don't try.  That's all I can do - try my best.  I never imagined I'd have a child, that my child would be by my side 95% of the day, that I would find peace in rocking someone else to sleep, that I would welcome hugs and kisses so freely from someone, or that I would witness someone growing and changing daily.  It's amazing.  I don't know what I'm doing but I try to do the best I can with what I have and hope that someday, Rio appreciates my attempt at motherhood as much as I appreciate what my mom did for us.  I'm learning it's no easy job.

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